You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
