Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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