Heybabeimwearingurpanties
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
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I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
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Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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