If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
