I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
