Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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