Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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