Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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