Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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