Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
