2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
