Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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