he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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