Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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