first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
