i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
