i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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