I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
