I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
