You just made me feel so damn special
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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