you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
