i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
