I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I need to stop coming to work sober
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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