i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
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Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
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They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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