Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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