Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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