just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
