Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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