I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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