Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
