I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
