I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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