You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
