good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
