You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
