the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
