i don't plan on having that self control this summer
too bad you live with your parents still
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
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she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
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