Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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