You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
