Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
