I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
