i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
