She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
