Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
