also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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