We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
