Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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