I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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