she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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