the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
