i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
