somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
